There are days when I feel invincible. But I know that someday I will meet my demise and God forbid that it will come before my 90th year. But if in fact I do kick the bucket I have a list of demands. If they are not met, I swear I will haunt your ass until you make it right.
- You are forbidden to display an “In Loving Memory of Lisa Gonzalez 1964 – xxxx” vinyl sticker on the back of a car window. My mom has been apprised of this. Debbie is responsible for enforcement.
- I don’t really need a tombstone, but some kind of graffitiesque memorial marker would be kind of cool – like maybe if someone scratched “Lisa Gonzalez kicks ass!” in some new concrete in the Gaslamp or "LG is MILFY" tagged the underside of a bridge in the Barrio that’d totally rock. Yes, Buchanan... tatoos are totally appropriate - as long as they are prison-style.
- You have to sing Freebird and light real Bic lighters. I hate that song – but I would totally laugh at the triteness. "Lord knoooowws I can't chaaaannnggee...."
- Take all the good organs and give them to someone worthy. And I know exactly who should get my liver. I won't mention any names but I think you know who you are...
- Cremate the leftovers. Put my ashes in a box and call it a day. No fancy urn. Because you’re gonna have to dump ‘em out eventually. (see #6)
- You can’t scatter my ashes right away. You have to take them out for a drink on my birthday. This responsibility goes to Sheila because I know she’ll totally do it.
- Hmmm.... what to do... what to do... I can't decide what should be done with my cremains. Here are a few ideas...
- Make a gem. There are companies that will turn my ashes into an overpriced diamond after which you can have it mounted in a ring or pendant setting. What a morbid, yet elegant and timeless reminder of everything I ever wasn't!
- Make an ocean reef. Mixed with concrete I can truly sleep with the fishes. If you want, you can add your hand print or graffiti message before the reef is lowered into the ocean. (See Demand #2)
- Make fireworks. Enjoy your own personal sky show starring yours truly! Family and friends can look on in excitement and wonder as my ashes are shot into the air via fireworks and thereby scattered into the ocean. I think going out in an explosive wad of glory is the most appropriate choice by far. BANG! BANG! BABY!
